Talking with three old friends that know little about my journey one of them brings up Arminianism vs Calvinism. Two of the three are Mormon and my training is of the SDA flavor. He was listening to a twelve CD sermon series from a non-denominational pastor and wondered what Mormons and SDA's believe.

We discussed for about an hour and I quickly realized that I knew more about Arminianism and Calvinism then the person that brought it up. Probably because I ran the gambit on these subjects before settling into disbelief. I served as the facilitator of the conversation and at the end made an off-hand comment to the fact that I don't believe like Adventists do anymore.

On the way out to the car I was speaking to the one that knew me the least of the three. He told me that as I was talking during that conversation it occurred to him that I was describing those beliefs as if they were an older form of me, somehow detached from myself now. I wondered how obvious it was to them that I don't believe.

It was inappropriate to bring up the fact I don't believe anymore as the conversation was not about me. This experience made me wonder how long has my belief system been a separate part of me? It made me wonder about a time line concerning my journey.


Taking Dr. Chadwick's biology class I first learned of the merits of evolution. I couldn't tell you exactly what it was, but something seemed right about evolution. I had a general understanding of genetics but to this point I hadn't put it all together. Also around this time I was introduced to Calvinism and TULIP through a combination of my brother and father. There was an email group that exchanged theological and psychological thoughts that I was a part of for about a half a year. "Part of" should more accurately be described as a fly on the wall. Predestination, which I have since found the silliness of, was my first step toward atheism.

The idea that god was omniscient yet we still had free choice was illogical and confusing. So, obviously, we don't have free choice. If I had to give up either choice or gods omniscience it was easier to give up my choice. This was the first real experience whereby I inherently checked out. When you come to a place where you cannot marry your beliefs to reality a decision must be made. Find a way to make the belief bend and mold in order to make sense, or divorce the belief altogether. I chose to mold the belief in order to keep my bubble in tact. Looking back now I realized that perhaps the theory was wrong, not the answers.

I entered college as a theology major. It was all part of an elaborate scheme to become my brother. It took me one year to realize that I was not suited for being a pastor. Admittedly the "reason" I gave was because I saw the type of people in my classes and realized that they better represent the general SDA population then I did and they scared me.

After a year of theology I made the logical switch to religion. I wasn't ready to give up the ghost yet, but I would become a teacher and project my shit on others on an even more profuse level. Why preach to adults when you can preach to the tender? It took one final semester before I gave up on religion and became a biology major. Interesting that I chose biology. In a silent attempt to prove my beliefs I majored in the one thing that would seal the fate on my belief.

Senior year, philosophy of science, Dr. Chadwick again. We were required to read many articles. He assigned us some excerpts from On the Origin of the Species from Charles Darwin. While reading this I realized that it made too much sense. Again I was forced to make a decision. Bend the belief or drop the theory. I chose to bend the belief. God must have created the rules and set it up so that evolution would occur. But since he was the one that put the rules in place, I could still hold on the to the vestige that god was responsible for creating me.

That year I went to a sabbath school class about the age of the earth which I had, previous to that class, accepted was millions of years old. I experienced a whole group of people stare facts in the face and then deny it. It opened my eyes a bit. Why am I impervious to such blatant disregard for logic and facts? I wasn't.

A normal after-church lunch at the Royals filled in the next piece of the pie. A study done by Baylor University showed that nearly 30% of christians believe that god is silent. I instantly related to their description of this "silent god". It made me warm and fuzzy. "See, there is a god, he is just silent," I said. That lasted for about three years.

Then the evolution occurred when another sabbath school class was done on evolution. The research done for the class and the brains involved were such that I couldn't deny the overwhelming evidence. It was a feeling that was later put to me in a way that if god exists he is silent and gives me no reason to believe in him. I also had an explanation for my origins. The only thing that held me back was the social constraints that I knew I felt and would feel.

It took me about three months after the realization for me to admit the fact that I no longer blamed the answers for a faulty theory.

This is obviously a short recollection about my journey but I needed to write it down so that as I look at my past I can see what I stood for then and now.