Sitting at work listening to Pandora and found a new band that I like called Lovage. They have sort of a mixed sound of Poe and Zero 7. While not working I started wondering what I want to do. I don't feel fulfilled in the least. But what would truly make "The Loop" fulfilled?

I dream of things that I want to do. But when the dream sinks into reality it is obvious that it isn't realistic. Last night I started a new racquetball league. I kicked ass. I beat a person that I had never beat before and I attribute it to the 2 weeks of strict practice that I chose to do in between seasons. I would love to own a racquetball facility and teach lessons and host events. But that is not a realistic dream. Not for now at least. While I don't "limit" my ability for success I also have to keep a foot grounded to reality. To build a proper facility would cost upwards of a million dollars and to get a client base and a group of people that would pay to play racquetball when there are 100 fitness clubs that would probably be as cheap or cheaper has little to do with ability to succeed and more to do with having the financing to get it done.

I wonder to myself which injustice is greater. The injustice that I think I can do anything I put my mind to or the injustice that I don't really do anything. Mother tells me that she realized a little too late how talented I was. She spent too much time on the other kids to realize how special I was. But is that the problem? Was she delusional about my abilities? Maybe it's just a cruel joke played on me to convince me that I'm special. In the words of Wes Mantooth: "You know, I understand that, uh, they had to bring a female in, change your diapers, wipe the dribble away from your bubbling lips, rub vasoline all over your heine and tell you that it's special and different from everyone elses." Was it a cosmic lie?

I tend to think it wasn't a lie. I wish it were a lie! It would be easier if I thought I was a daft idiot that really had little expectations.